March 11, 2016
So today (and many days as of late) I have been having all kinds of disturbing thoughts around why we are not getting pregnant…maybe it is 100mg of Clomid I am on…seriously, that stuff gives me crazy dreams too so it must be making have crazy thoughts when I am awake, too, right?!? I need to deal with this, so I think the best way for me to get a grip on them is write them down…so, here are my thoughts:
Disturbing thought #1:
“It’s too late for us…we will grow old with no children or grandchildren and this will separate us from everyone else in our life who has children.” I have spent most of my life really feeling as I don’t fit in with most people in most situations and I never cared before, but now the idea of never being a member of the ‘mom club’ or ‘parent club’ makes me feel like crawling up into a ball in a corner somewhere and sobbing because I want to be a part of that privileged group. Not being able to relate to those in my family who have children is just another situation that tells me that I don’t belong there either and that is extremely painful.
Disturbing thought #2:
“I must not really want to be a mom, because if I REALLY wanted it, I would be pregnant by now.” So basically, I am second-guessing my own maternal/biological clock and thinking that I just don’t want to be a mom because whatever that means, I am not putting that energy out there which, again, is why we are not getting pregnant. I also wonder about ‘do I really want to be a mom’ because I don’t get depressed when I see anything baby related (diaper commercials, baby clothes, people with babies)…I know many other women in this situation and they cannot even walk past the baby clothes at Target without falling apart, so why am I not like that? Hell, I don’t even fit in with the rest of the women going through infertility!!!! Ugh……I only get depressed when I read about those closest to me experiencing pregnancy and/or parenthood. This does not last long for me because I love my family and love to see them happy with their families.
Disturbing thought #3:
“I don’t have what it takes to be a mom and I won’t be able to adjust my life to putting a baby first if I get pregnant, so that is why I am not pregnant.” We took on a stray dog a few weeks ago and we are fostering him until we find him a good home, so we have 3 dogs and cat that I am primarily responsible for, I have my business I am trying to grow and I am trying to be present and positive in my marriage since both Jon and I have been so stressed about many aspects of our life, not just trying to have a baby. I am handling all of these things better than I thought that I would have considering my ADHD and not being on my medication. When you have ADHD, staying on top of so many things can be so overwhelming that you shut down and get NOTHING done.
The last disturbing thought….
“We aren’t meant to be parents…so we should just give up stop wasting our money and energy on this pipe dream.” I remember spending every year in high school wanting so badly to make our show choir (it was extremely competitive and tough to get into, you had to audition) and every year I was CERTAIN I belonged in that group and I would prepare and go in to audition and every year I was denied and was never was chosen to be in that group….that is what this reminds me of….something I was so sure I was meant to experience and yet no matter what I do to show I belong, I am denied access to what I really want.
So those are my dark thoughts I have been having…so now what????
All of these thoughts are dark and disempowering so I am going to spend 24 hours reflecting on what I wrote and then decide what I want to do or think about this situation and these thoughts…I know that this is a journey and there is wisdom in this experience of darkness but I am really struggling with coming up with it tonight, so I am going to sleep on it….
Goodnight, everyone….I will check back in tomorrow with more insight
Peace and love
-Sarah