Month: March 2016

March 18, 2016

So, I realized I never checked back in after my last post and honestly, I think that once I had written down those crazy thoughts, I forgot about them…it was a release of negative energy that was draining me and all I needed to do was release it.  They were some crazy thoughts, though, weren’t they?  I looked back at them and marveled at how this journey and my mind go places that normally I don’t consciously choose to go.

So this week I went in for my follicle scan and had three good ones, 2 on my right ovary and 1 on my left ovary and based on what my RE saw he said that if he was going to draw up the ideal IUI cycle, this would be it….Whoohoooo!!!!!!!  So, I had to do my HCG trigger shot at 3am Thursday morning (honestly, I don’t care because I usually wake up to take the dogs out in the middle of the night anyway) and this time the whole night turned out to be a circus.  First, our foster dog Charlie had been having diarrhea for a couple of days and needed to go out at least 4 times per night, then Harley got the same thing on Wednesday so Wednesday night/Thursday morning, I was up with two sick dogs.  The worst part was Harley messed her crate twice that night so I was up doing laundry (and trying not to throw up) and comforting two sick pups all night so I got zero sleep and had to give myself that shot in the middle of all of that.  I wasn’t angry or annoyed, all I could think was that this is God preparing me for motherhood, right?!?  Yep, I’m going with that…

Today was IUI #3 and I was so excited to see how Jon’s count turned out for this round….it more than TRIPLED from the last time!!!!  I was so happy for him—last time he had 19 million post-wash and this time it was 68 million post-wash!!!!  Those supplements are incredible!!!  Everything went smooth, we prayed together in the car before the procedure, made sure to keep the day as stress-free as possible (no stressful topics of conversation or stressful activities) followed the doc’s instructions to baby-dance tonight and now the two week wait begins!

I guess I have to focus on some positive things for the next two weeks so I don’t go crazy waiting….I have a very good feeling about this time around….everything we could do we have done this time so now it is up the God to decide now is the time for us….Lord, please let this be our time!!!!

Love to all!

Sarah

 

March 11, 2016

So today (and many days as of late) I have been having all kinds of disturbing thoughts around why we are not getting pregnant…maybe it is 100mg of Clomid I am on…seriously, that stuff gives me crazy dreams too so it must be making have crazy thoughts when I am awake, too, right?!? I need to deal with this, so I think the best way for me to get a grip on them is write them down…so, here are my thoughts:

Disturbing thought #1:

“It’s too late for us…we will grow old with no children or grandchildren and this will separate us from everyone else in our life who has children.”  I have spent most of my life really feeling as I don’t fit in with most people in most situations and I never cared before, but now the idea of never being a member of the ‘mom club’ or ‘parent club’ makes me feel like crawling up into a ball in a corner somewhere and sobbing because I want to be a part of that privileged group.  Not being able to relate to those in my family who have children is just another situation that tells me that I don’t belong there either and that is extremely painful.

Disturbing thought #2:

“I must not really want to be a mom, because if I REALLY wanted it, I would be pregnant by now.”  So basically, I am second-guessing my own maternal/biological clock and thinking that I just don’t want to be a mom because whatever that means, I am not putting that energy out there which, again, is why we are not getting pregnant.  I also wonder about ‘do I really want to be a mom’ because I don’t get depressed when I see anything baby related (diaper commercials, baby clothes, people with babies)…I  know many other women in this situation and they cannot even walk past the baby clothes at Target without falling apart, so why am I not like that?  Hell, I don’t even fit in with the rest of the women going through infertility!!!!  Ugh……I only get depressed when I read about those closest to me experiencing pregnancy and/or parenthood.  This does not last long for me because I love my family and love to see them happy with their families.

Disturbing thought #3:

“I don’t have what it takes to be a mom and I won’t be able to adjust my life to putting a baby first if I get pregnant, so that is why I am not pregnant.”  We took on a stray dog a few weeks ago and we are fostering him until we find him a good home, so we have 3 dogs and cat that I am primarily responsible for, I have my business I am trying to grow and I am trying to be present and positive in my marriage since both Jon and I have been so stressed about many aspects of our life, not just trying to have a baby.  I am handling all of these things better than I thought that I would have considering my ADHD and not being on my medication.  When you have ADHD, staying on top of so many things can be so overwhelming that you shut down and get NOTHING done.

The last disturbing thought….

“We aren’t meant to be parents…so we should just give up stop wasting our money and energy on this pipe dream.”  I remember spending every year in high school wanting so badly to make our show choir (it was extremely competitive and tough to get into, you had to audition) and every year I was CERTAIN I belonged in that group and I would prepare and go in to audition and every year I was denied and was never was chosen to be in that group….that is what this reminds me of….something I was so sure I was meant to experience and yet  no matter what I do to show I belong, I am denied access to what I really want.

So those are my dark thoughts I have been having…so now what????

All of these thoughts are dark and disempowering so I am going to spend 24 hours reflecting on what I wrote and then decide what I want to do or think about this situation and these thoughts…I know that this is a journey and there is wisdom in this experience of darkness but I am really struggling with coming up with it tonight, so I am going to sleep on it….

Goodnight, everyone….I will check back in tomorrow with more insight

Peace and love

-Sarah

March 4, 2016

Hey everyone….I know it’s been awhile since I have written anything here and there is a reason.  I tried an experiment to see if staying off of my blog during my second IUI process, especially the tww (2 week wait), would help me pass the time without being obsessive and impatient with waiting for my results of baby or no baby.  I have thrown myself into work and wrapping up what I need to finish my certification process with iPEC and that helped, overall.  So here is what has been happening….

We did our second IUI two weeks ago and we were encouraged because Jon’s numbers were double what they were for the first IUI and we BD’d (baby danced/had sex) that night after the IUI which our doctor recommended to us.  This was a big deal because the first IUI the doctor who performed it was not our normal doctor (it was during a holiday week) and that doctor never told us to have sex that night….grrrr!!!  This time, I had a positive attitude, was doing many things that are healthy and fulfilling for me so, in the back of my mind, I believed this time we would get pregnant….sadly, I was wrong, so our second IUI was not successful as far as us getting pregnant.  So, what now………

Jon and I discussed it today and decided we still want to keep trying the IUI process as the doctor has recommended and surprisingly, I was only slightly emotional over the failure of the IUI.  Today was the first home spring training game for the Cubs and since Jon and I are HUGE Cubs fans and we live in Arizona, we have season tickets and were at the park today tailgating with all the other Cubs fans.  When I saw all of the parents with small children there together experiencing America’s Past Time, my heart tore open a bit because I want us to be able to do that with at least one child.  Baseball is nostalgic for us because it was huge part of our childhood, especially for Jon and he would love to teach a child about baseball and how great it is.  Experiencing that without our own child is why we want to keep trying because it shows us what we feel is truly missing from our life.

Ironically, I saw a post on Facebook today that made me realize how important today is for us.  The post read, “Today is the only day of the year that tells you to do something,” and it took me a minute to get it (I am blonde, after all, lol) but today is March 4th…March FORTH………..so, that is what I will do until I know in my heart that it is time to change directions….

Hope all is well with you and that whatever is going on for you that you keep marching forth every day of the year…

Love and baby dust,

-Sarah