Month: January 2016

January 13, 2016

Hey everyone…so, it’s been a couple of days since I made an entry and that has been because yesterday was an unexpectedly rough day for me and it spilled over into today…Let me explain.

So I was scheduled to have my blood drawn today to see if the first IUI has worked and we are (or are not) pregnant.  Unfortunately, I started my period yesterday so I didn’t make it to the blood work part today.  I was very upset yesterday and if I had made an entry it probably would have involved many words in all capital letters (yelling) and lots of swear words among sarcastic rhetoric.  Basically all negativity and drama, which I hate, so I just took a day to make myself busy and hope today I would feel better….that didn’t happen because this morning I woke up in a REALLY pissed off mood.  Jon was also in a horrible mood this morning before he went into work, so much so he called me in the middle of his trip today when he had a precious five minutes to apologize to me even though (unlike me) he didn’t in any way take his anger out me.  You see, on top of finding out we are not pregnant, my brother and sister in law found out the gender of their second child they are expecting today AND my brother and his wife posted their pregnancy announcement on Facebook today.  Let me just preface my feelings that Jon and I are happy for both families, we love them very much and appreciate all of their support of us through our struggle.  That being said….WHEN THE HELL IS IT GOING TO BE OUR TURN???? Ok, that is the only all caps statement I will make in this post….it is so hard to be happy for those we love who are getting to experience what we want to experience.  It always feels like somehow we must be less deserving then they are and that is why it has not happened yet, but I know that a feeling is not necessarily a fact….feelings are valid but when we make them fact that is how we get ourselves into trouble, and boy I was in trouble earlier today!

So, I drop Jon off at the airport so he could start his trip and I headed off to see the RE doc today because even though I didn’t need blood drawn (groan), since I was starting a new cycle he wanted to see me so he could check me for cysts on my ovaries….guess what?  I have one and what that means is that I have to take a  month off of the fertility medications because it is not safe for me to take them with a cyst.  The doc believes that the cyst will be gone by my next cycle because, apparently, it is common for cysts to show up on your ovaries after an IUI cycle.  So Jon and I are on our own for a month of ttc.  The good news is that the doc said Jon’s swimmer count tripled between October and when we did the IUI on Dec 30th, so the supplements are working (ConceptionXR Reproductive Health Formula, made by Theralogix, if anyone is curious), so that is a relief.

Here is the most interesting part of my day…when I walked out of the exam room and went to the desk to give my co-pay (I thank God every day for our good health insurance) the doc asked me to come into his office so he could give me the prescription I needed (my thyroid medication) and even though I was feeling completely down and frustrated about having to wait another month for our second IUI (along with everything else I have already mentioned from today), I saw a golden opportunity.

So, as a Life Coach, I have been throwing around an idea (in my head mostly, but with other coaches I know) of creating a coaching group on infertility for women going through the struggles of trying to conceive with infertility.  I believe in coaching and the power of group dynamics, so the need for this kind of service to women going through this is a very passionate issue for me and I want very badly to give back and help others like me.  I have been nervous to present this idea to my doctor to see if he would be willing to refer patients to me and my group if he felt they needed the resource.  Needless to say, I hadn’t even been thinking about it today because my mind was so bogged down with negative energy, but something happened when I sat down at his desk while he wrote out my prescription…a voice inside me said “Hey!  Here’s your opportunity! Open your mouth and say something!!!!” So, I did and the conversation couldn’t have gone any better…when I asked him (after explaining what I do for a living and my idea) if he would be willing to refer patients to me, he said yes right away and I was shocked!!!!!  Holy crap, a practice full of women I can potentially help!!!! I was so excited that everything about my day and my energy shifted in a such a positive way.

So, even though I have a very strong desire to be a mother, I have just as strong of a desire to serve others as a Life Coach, so if I can’t be pregnant right now I can create a place where other women like me can come to find community, support and learn ways to achieve what they want to achieve through their own journey of trying to conceive with infertility.  For today, that was just what I needed to learn and for me, I give full credit to God for teaching me this lesson today.

So tomorrow I will be off to Seattle for about 5 days for Coaching conference and I plan to make at least one entry while I am gone but I know my days will be busy, so I hope everyone has a great rest of the week!

Blessings and Baby Dust,

Sarah

January 11, 2016

Happy Monday everyone!  I hope everyone has had a good day, despite the fact it is MONDAY!!!!!  I am currently watching the NCAA Football Championship game on TV (Alabama vs. Clemson, for those who don’t know) with my husband and even though we really have no preference as to who wins (we are Purdue graduates, so GO BOILERS!) we are just enjoying these kids playing a good football game.  Jon and I love almost all sports and are passionate Chicago sports fans, since we are originally from Northern Indiana, so that is another fact about me 🙂  All teams in Chicago except that baseball team on the south side (the White Sox) we LOVE OUR CUBBIES!!!!!  Oh here is another fact I am proud of…when Jon and I were first dating I introduced him to Chicago Blackhawks hockey (been a fan all of my life) and taught HIM the rules of hockey!  Hahaha!  Only a good guy would let his woman teach HIM about anything sports!!!!

Anyway, I had a productive day today which was my goal because I really don’t want to get stuck in this anxiety of waiting and being busy definitely helps…it doesn’t take it away, but I will focus on the positive here.  I had a really good session with a coaching client today and whenever I help someone else figure out what is keeping them from their goals or blocking them from whatever success it is they are seeking, I feel privileged to be a part of the process.  This is why I love being a Life Coach.  I also love it because I have my own coach who I work with and I have found it so valuable to have that resource through this journey of infertility.  Let me explain….

A professional coach is not a counselor, a mentor or a consultant (all great professions, just different), a coach is someone who partners with you to discover the ways we block ourselves from success and happiness.  A coach knows that the individual has the answers to their questions and the solutions to their problems, but sometimes a person needs someone who can ask the powerful questions that uncover these things for the client that they didn’t even know were there.  It is a powerful process and the best part is that the client is the expert and determines the direction of the relationship and what they want to work on…they own their results, the coach does not which means the client is more likely to maintain any changes to their situation they have made because they own it!  I worked in the counseling field for 12 years before I became a coach and as much as I loved parts of counseling, coaching fits who I am in a more complete way.  As a client who has a coach, I find that it helps me immensely to navigate my way through my emotions and struggles with TTC (trying to concieve) and infertility.  The stress of it is definitely more manageable with having a coach, for me.

One way I manage that stress is that I have been participating a lot more in my TTC support groups on Facebook (which I love being a part of, they have helped a lot) and I feel compelled to do so because I have realized how important this issue is for SO many of us!  I have been through some tough stuff in my life but I see so many women in my groups that have been through things I can’t wrap my brain around let alone being able to manage, such as MULTIPLE miscarriages.  Trying to have a child and losing every single pregnancy you have experienced is a kind of pain I pray I never go through and if I do that God give me the strength to endure without too much sacrifice.

Hats off to all of us on this journey of infertility and trying to have the family we have always wanted!!!

Love and Baby Dust!

Sarah

 

 

 

January 10, 2016

Hey everyone!  Hope you all have had a great Sunday and this post finds you well.  Today, I am feeling pretty good but am tired on top of the other symptoms that have been consistent for about the last week…again, I have no idea if this means that I am in fact, pregnant or if it is just this dang progesterone that is making me feel different.

Anyway, I’m trying not to think about that too much since I still have three days to wait for my blood work and know if when I travel to Seattle on Thursday I will be celebrating with my best friend, Maggie, with something non-alcoholic or if I will be drinking away my disappointment at the bar with her…either way, I will be glad to be in her company if I can’t be with Jon.  Jon will be working and I have my coaching conference starting on Friday morning in Seattle which goes through the weekend.

Today, Jon and I tried out a new church that is really close to our home and really liked it a lot.  We have been looking for a church for a few months now, hoping to find a place where we both feel comfortable and we fit.  You see I am Catholic and have always been very comfortable with being Catholic, however, Jon is not sure he feels that the Catholic faith is for him.  So, we decided it is most important for our marriage and future family that we attend the same church.  We were married in the Catholic Church, so that makes me feel better about the compromise.

Church for me has always been not only a place for community and prayer but for reflection and inspiration that carries me through anything that is tough…..and this week will be tough, especially if this time doesn’t work out.  I do believe in God’s time frame, but I am human and fight it when it is not MY time frame…I continue to work on this and pray about it.  I am already 36 years old and know that I don’t have much time left to have children especially if we want more than one (which we do), so it is hard to not feel like you are under a gun with trying to make a baby and who wants to feel like that???

I really did like this church we went to, and the community there, so I am sad I will be in Seattle next Sunday and won’t be able to attend, but we will be back in two weeks hopefully with a full heart AND a full womb!!!!

I will continue to make entries daily, no matter what happens so please continue to follow along…you never know what life holds day to day!

Blessings and love to all,

Sarah

January 9, 2016

Hi everyone!  Now I realize the title of this particular entry sounds a bit harsh, but let me clue all of you who may not know this already….for those of us who battle with infertility, patience is always the name of the game and frankly, it sucks because it feels like ALL WE DO is WAIT!!!!  Let me explain what we are waiting on right now…

After Jon and I discovered the causes of our lack of success with conception, the plan developed by our RE is that we would try 4-5 rounds of IUI (intrauterine insemination) with the fertility drug Clomid and a ‘trigger shot’ of HCG 36 hours before the procedure, before moving onto the last option for biological children…IVF.  IVF is the most expensive, even when you have insurance, we haven’t decided what we do at that point…we will cross that bridge if we come to it.

The advantages of IUI are that it is typically more reasonable in cost, the sperm are ‘washed’ about 1.5 hours before the procedure (don’t ask Jon about the process for them to collect his swimmers, lol), the wash just means that as many good sperm as they can collect are separated from the seminal fluid and placed in small tube that connects to a catheter.  This catheter is inserted past the vagina and cervix and placed directly into the uterus where all of Jon’s little guys are released into and have the best chance for survival and meeting with one of my eggs.  Ovulation is timed exactly with that HCG trigger shot I mentioned before (pretty much like everything else in the world of infertility treatments).

So, we did this for the first time on December 30, the day before Jon’s 40th birthday, and I am currently winding down my two week wait where in two weeks from the IUI exactly, I have my blood drawn so they can see if I am pregnant.  So, two weeks isn’t very long, right?  It’s Christmas vacation from school and that always flew by, so this should too, right????  WRONG……hence, the title of this entry.  These two weeks are HELL….for those of you have not been there, let me explain.

While you are laying there in the room for the ten minutes after the procedure letting your thoughts wander or praying (I did both) you also wonder how on earth you will get through the next 14 days and what can you expect.  Well, for those of you who have been trying to conceive for awhile, you can probably recite the signs & symptoms of pregnancy backwards while standing on your head…I can….and I have been experiencing several of them for about the last 4-5 days.  Here is the kicker, part of the IUI process is that every night I have to put these Progesterone suppositories in vaginally (TMI, I know) because Progesterone is a hormone that helps the uterine lining thicken for implantation, it ALSO can cause side effects IDENTICAL to the signs and symptoms of pregnancy.  So, being that you are already consumed with paying attention to ANY change in your body because you are hoping it means you are pregnant, it is not fair that you don’t know for sure if the cause is pregnancy or progesterone.  I really feel right now that there is something going on with my body that is different, so a large part of me is choosing to believe that this worked and our long wait to be parents is soon to be over….BUT, there is also that part of me that is afraid to completely believe it because I have never been pregnant before.  I will update after I get the results later on the 13th.

January 7, 2016

My name is Sarah Payne, my husband Jon and I have been happily married since October 5, 2013 and we are blessed with three fur babies, 2 miniature Schnauzers (Harley and Nina, both girls) and our boy cat (Sam).  We have always wanted children and because we knew we were ready emotionally and financially, we got the ball rolling right after we were married. After about a year of trying (and having fun trying!) I began to worry there may be something wrong so I started being more proactive with the process, charting my cycles, temperature, OPKs (ovulation prediction kit) and the dreaded HPTs(home pregnancy test).  From everything I could tell, everything was fine….but I didn’t really know as much as I thought at the time.  I always thought you just did the deed (DTD) at the right time and BAM, pregnant…..little did I know ?

The second year of ttc, was probably the most difficult (to this point) because I felt incredibly alone and frustrated….and afraid….afraid there was something wrong with us and afraid to find out.  Every month I would get the dreaded Aunt Flo (AF, the heinous bitch from hell) I would emotionally fall apart inside, but put a happy face on for everyone else because I was already getting questions from family and friends about “So when are you guys gonna have kids?”  There were many times it took every ounce of self control to not scream or break down in tears when asked that question AND anyone who knows me knows I’m not good at hiding my feelings.  My dear husband who is my best friend and biggest fan, struggles with knowing what to say or do when I’m really down.  Most men are ‘fixers’ and my Jon is definitely that guy, which in this case is tough for him because he didn’t know how to fix this, other than for us to keep trying (go figure…more sex, that’s the answer!).

Right before our 2 year anniversary, I had my annual trip to the OBGYN and I asked about our struggles and what we should do…Long story short, blood work showed I have hypothyroid (which explained a few things for me) and we were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) for more testing…this process was a blessing, emotional, frightening and hopeful all at the same time.  We are now taking the steps toward hopefully, successfully conceiving our first child. I will get more into this in later entries.

I will continue to document this process, so please come along with me for the ride!  Infertility affects approximately 1 in 8 couples and before Jon and I became that 1 in 8 couple, I had NO IDEA how common this was because no one talks about it and those who do conceive using fertility treatments don’t usually tell people how they were able to bring home their bundle of joy that so many of us would give anything to have.