Author: SarahP1125

April 6, 2016

Well let me get the update out of the way before I begin my reflection of the last couple of weeks…IUI #3 was a fail and I took it pretty hard this time because the timing was just fucking cruel (sorry for the language, but I am still angry) because my period started on April Fools Day….how ironic, right???  On top of it all I was two days late and we received a very nice financial blessing on Easter Sunday that we thought was the turning point in things going our way….we were wrong and I HATE being wrong….I’m still working on that part of myself.

Here is what I have learned and what my new goal is for myself….I have learned that the reason this hurts so much (and every month) is because I have specific expectations attached to all the steps we are taking and the investment we are making…I expect to be pregnant and carry a healthy baby (or two) so that Jon and I can have the family we have always wanted.  So when my expectations are not matched (every fricken month) I allow all kinds of negative thoughts and emotions creep in that take over how I show up in my world and I feel MISERABLE.  I hate feeling this way and want the cycle to stop….so what should I do, you ask?  Well the answer is pretty simple however the implementation of it I will need help from my life coach (who I am sure will be happy to help me)…the answer is CHANGE MY EXPECTATIONS and set the intention with every cycle to set an expectation that I can achieve.  You see, getting pregnant whether you have infertility issues or not, is not 100% within your control….yet we believe that it is, we are even socialized to believe that it is within our control completely….which is TOTAL BULLSHIT!!!!!  God always has the final say and His timeline may not be mine and my plan may not be His….this can be difficult to swallow (it is for me) but I am making my life more difficult by creating an expectation every month that may not come true no matter what I do.

This is true for many of my clients, I’m sure and as a coach I often ask empowering questions around what my client has control over and what they do not…understanding where your power lies and where it is only influence is valuable in learning how to navigate goals and dreams in your life.

I will keep you posted on how this approach goes for me and what I learn from my coaching sessions around it…

Baby Dust and Love,

Sarah

March 18, 2016

So, I realized I never checked back in after my last post and honestly, I think that once I had written down those crazy thoughts, I forgot about them…it was a release of negative energy that was draining me and all I needed to do was release it.  They were some crazy thoughts, though, weren’t they?  I looked back at them and marveled at how this journey and my mind go places that normally I don’t consciously choose to go.

So this week I went in for my follicle scan and had three good ones, 2 on my right ovary and 1 on my left ovary and based on what my RE saw he said that if he was going to draw up the ideal IUI cycle, this would be it….Whoohoooo!!!!!!!  So, I had to do my HCG trigger shot at 3am Thursday morning (honestly, I don’t care because I usually wake up to take the dogs out in the middle of the night anyway) and this time the whole night turned out to be a circus.  First, our foster dog Charlie had been having diarrhea for a couple of days and needed to go out at least 4 times per night, then Harley got the same thing on Wednesday so Wednesday night/Thursday morning, I was up with two sick dogs.  The worst part was Harley messed her crate twice that night so I was up doing laundry (and trying not to throw up) and comforting two sick pups all night so I got zero sleep and had to give myself that shot in the middle of all of that.  I wasn’t angry or annoyed, all I could think was that this is God preparing me for motherhood, right?!?  Yep, I’m going with that…

Today was IUI #3 and I was so excited to see how Jon’s count turned out for this round….it more than TRIPLED from the last time!!!!  I was so happy for him—last time he had 19 million post-wash and this time it was 68 million post-wash!!!!  Those supplements are incredible!!!  Everything went smooth, we prayed together in the car before the procedure, made sure to keep the day as stress-free as possible (no stressful topics of conversation or stressful activities) followed the doc’s instructions to baby-dance tonight and now the two week wait begins!

I guess I have to focus on some positive things for the next two weeks so I don’t go crazy waiting….I have a very good feeling about this time around….everything we could do we have done this time so now it is up the God to decide now is the time for us….Lord, please let this be our time!!!!

Love to all!

Sarah

 

March 11, 2016

So today (and many days as of late) I have been having all kinds of disturbing thoughts around why we are not getting pregnant…maybe it is 100mg of Clomid I am on…seriously, that stuff gives me crazy dreams too so it must be making have crazy thoughts when I am awake, too, right?!? I need to deal with this, so I think the best way for me to get a grip on them is write them down…so, here are my thoughts:

Disturbing thought #1:

“It’s too late for us…we will grow old with no children or grandchildren and this will separate us from everyone else in our life who has children.”  I have spent most of my life really feeling as I don’t fit in with most people in most situations and I never cared before, but now the idea of never being a member of the ‘mom club’ or ‘parent club’ makes me feel like crawling up into a ball in a corner somewhere and sobbing because I want to be a part of that privileged group.  Not being able to relate to those in my family who have children is just another situation that tells me that I don’t belong there either and that is extremely painful.

Disturbing thought #2:

“I must not really want to be a mom, because if I REALLY wanted it, I would be pregnant by now.”  So basically, I am second-guessing my own maternal/biological clock and thinking that I just don’t want to be a mom because whatever that means, I am not putting that energy out there which, again, is why we are not getting pregnant.  I also wonder about ‘do I really want to be a mom’ because I don’t get depressed when I see anything baby related (diaper commercials, baby clothes, people with babies)…I  know many other women in this situation and they cannot even walk past the baby clothes at Target without falling apart, so why am I not like that?  Hell, I don’t even fit in with the rest of the women going through infertility!!!!  Ugh……I only get depressed when I read about those closest to me experiencing pregnancy and/or parenthood.  This does not last long for me because I love my family and love to see them happy with their families.

Disturbing thought #3:

“I don’t have what it takes to be a mom and I won’t be able to adjust my life to putting a baby first if I get pregnant, so that is why I am not pregnant.”  We took on a stray dog a few weeks ago and we are fostering him until we find him a good home, so we have 3 dogs and cat that I am primarily responsible for, I have my business I am trying to grow and I am trying to be present and positive in my marriage since both Jon and I have been so stressed about many aspects of our life, not just trying to have a baby.  I am handling all of these things better than I thought that I would have considering my ADHD and not being on my medication.  When you have ADHD, staying on top of so many things can be so overwhelming that you shut down and get NOTHING done.

The last disturbing thought….

“We aren’t meant to be parents…so we should just give up stop wasting our money and energy on this pipe dream.”  I remember spending every year in high school wanting so badly to make our show choir (it was extremely competitive and tough to get into, you had to audition) and every year I was CERTAIN I belonged in that group and I would prepare and go in to audition and every year I was denied and was never was chosen to be in that group….that is what this reminds me of….something I was so sure I was meant to experience and yet  no matter what I do to show I belong, I am denied access to what I really want.

So those are my dark thoughts I have been having…so now what????

All of these thoughts are dark and disempowering so I am going to spend 24 hours reflecting on what I wrote and then decide what I want to do or think about this situation and these thoughts…I know that this is a journey and there is wisdom in this experience of darkness but I am really struggling with coming up with it tonight, so I am going to sleep on it….

Goodnight, everyone….I will check back in tomorrow with more insight

Peace and love

-Sarah

March 4, 2016

Hey everyone….I know it’s been awhile since I have written anything here and there is a reason.  I tried an experiment to see if staying off of my blog during my second IUI process, especially the tww (2 week wait), would help me pass the time without being obsessive and impatient with waiting for my results of baby or no baby.  I have thrown myself into work and wrapping up what I need to finish my certification process with iPEC and that helped, overall.  So here is what has been happening….

We did our second IUI two weeks ago and we were encouraged because Jon’s numbers were double what they were for the first IUI and we BD’d (baby danced/had sex) that night after the IUI which our doctor recommended to us.  This was a big deal because the first IUI the doctor who performed it was not our normal doctor (it was during a holiday week) and that doctor never told us to have sex that night….grrrr!!!  This time, I had a positive attitude, was doing many things that are healthy and fulfilling for me so, in the back of my mind, I believed this time we would get pregnant….sadly, I was wrong, so our second IUI was not successful as far as us getting pregnant.  So, what now………

Jon and I discussed it today and decided we still want to keep trying the IUI process as the doctor has recommended and surprisingly, I was only slightly emotional over the failure of the IUI.  Today was the first home spring training game for the Cubs and since Jon and I are HUGE Cubs fans and we live in Arizona, we have season tickets and were at the park today tailgating with all the other Cubs fans.  When I saw all of the parents with small children there together experiencing America’s Past Time, my heart tore open a bit because I want us to be able to do that with at least one child.  Baseball is nostalgic for us because it was huge part of our childhood, especially for Jon and he would love to teach a child about baseball and how great it is.  Experiencing that without our own child is why we want to keep trying because it shows us what we feel is truly missing from our life.

Ironically, I saw a post on Facebook today that made me realize how important today is for us.  The post read, “Today is the only day of the year that tells you to do something,” and it took me a minute to get it (I am blonde, after all, lol) but today is March 4th…March FORTH………..so, that is what I will do until I know in my heart that it is time to change directions….

Hope all is well with you and that whatever is going on for you that you keep marching forth every day of the year…

Love and baby dust,

-Sarah

 

February 10, 2016

Hi all!  So after a great weekend with my sister in law in town for a visit, I went back to see my RE doctor today because I started my period so I needed to find out if that cyst on my ovary went away so we can be in the clear for a medicated IUI this month.  I honestly was not as disappointed this time around of not being pregnant and I am not sure exactly what it is that the reason for that, but maybe I am just tired of getting upset every single month.  I was disappointed, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t devastated like I usually am for at least a day.  Maybe it’s because I am exercising daily, praying daily and focusing on my business and finishing my certification….maybe I am just tired of feeling sorry for myself…lol!

So, back to the doctor appointment…NO CYST!!!!  So, we get to try again this month with a medicated IUI cycle and I am relieved.  Also, to boot, I had 14 follicles this month which is more than I have had before!!!  I have usually had 11 at the most which is less than what is ideal, but enough to work with before.  The ideal amount (per my doctor) is 12-20, so I am really excited about having 14!

On a more somber note, Jon is still having some anxiety around our future, being 40, wanting to spend more time with our family and feeling like we are not where we should be in life.  I can honestly say this is one of the hardest things I have experienced with him because he is so unhappy and it is really hard for me to understand some of why he feels the way he does (some things I do because we don’t have any children of our own and we are struggling with that) and I can’t fix it for him or snap him out of it to see all the things we have to be grateful for.  That is the hardest part for me….I hate seeing the most important person in my life struggling so much….pray, pray and pray some more, is all I can do.

Peace and love to all of you…

Sarah

 

February 3, 2016

Hey all!  So for the last two days while I walk the dogs, I have been listening to this really great infertility summit hosted by the dynamic and amazing Renee Waggener, fellow Life Coach and trained at iPEC, like me.  I have listened to two topics the first on creating Miracles within yourself through your mindset, the second on the spirit of your baby.  Today’s topic was “Baby Spirit and Calling in the Soul That was Meant for You,” which I have to admit I was skeptical of what the content of this would be, however, I followed my intuition and was so grateful I listened in.

The basic concept is that when you decide that you want a baby, you are already a parent even without a physical child that you have carried in your womb.  So, if you are already a parent, what are you doing on a daily basis to get in the way of that baby becoming a tangible entity for you?  We are first parents to ourselves and if there are ways that we are not parenting ourselves in a way that we expect to parent that baby we want so desperately, then we can pass on those unresolved issues to our child…and even further, maybe those issues aren’t allowing the baby to happen.  WOW, did this ever hit home for me!!!!

What does being a mother mean to me and how am I being that idealistic mother to myself?  What hurts do I have that I have not completely healed that are blocking me from receiving the spirit of my baby in physical form?  I now have a new focus for myself and I know that getting in touch with this further is going to require more meditation and prayer which will get me out of my head (where I spend a lot of my time) and in touch with the deeper parts of my soul.  I am excited to work on this more because I used to enjoy meditation when I would do it with clients when I was counselor.

On another note, I am wrapping up the last things required for my certification from iPEC as a Certified Professional Coach and my Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner certification and I have about a month’s worth left of work to do, but the end is in sight!!!  I have chosen women going through infertility as my clients who I will serve.  I am so excited to partner with other women on this journey as their coach and help them create the experiences they want for themselves regardless of how “baby” shows up for them.

It has been so beneficial to me to balance my life with other  while trying to have a child with the struggle of infertility, because I was getting so obsessed with getting pregnant I couldn’t enjoy anything in my life as long as I have been focused on that.  My own work continues with this but I am no different than anyone else, I still have many moments of feeling angry, sorry for myself and scared sh*tless that I will never carry a child of my own.  This is why I feel so compelled to be a coach for women going on this journey too.  No matter what the outcome, the journey is where we learn who we are, what we want and what is most important.

Love and peace to you all…

Sarah

 

January 31st, 2016

Well, it’s been awhile since I last posted in here and I apologize for being so quiet (believe me it is NOT the norm for me) however, life has been up and down since the new year and I have recently got my equilibrium back so I am getting back into the swing of things.

So, I went to Seattle for my last 3 day training for my coaching certification and it was a phenomenal experience, so much so that Jon noticed the shift in my attitude and energy just by talking to me on the phone while I was there (shout out to any of my iPEC coaches reading this post) so I came home feeling refreshed and focused, ready to get to work on every aspect of my life.  That first week after training, I was so physically tired and couldn’t understand why other than I believe when there is a dramatic shift in one’s energy the body may be late on catching up to it.  However, I began making some serious adjustments to my daily routine that match my energetic focus which is my health, my coaching business and my infertility journey.

First change was that I got back into my routine of walking my dogs every day and we are up to a 3 mile route.  This was huge for me because from May to October I had been taking them on a 1.5-2 mile walk 6 days a week, not only for their benefit but for me to hopefully lose some weight.  I also changed my diet in this time to be organic, limited complex carbs, lean meats, fruits and veggies…and I didn’t lose one single pound in five months (I was so PISSED, to say the least).  Now in August I learned that I had hypothyroid, which I was put on medication for and in October my level was normal again…BUT, no weight loss!!! I was so frustrated that I gave up on it and did not take my dogs out walking again until the middle of January, I did stick to my diet with the exception of the holidays (everyone gets a pass for Thanksgiving, their birthday, Christmas and New Years, right???) and I keep taking my thyroid medication, so when I weighed myself in mid January no change in my weight AT ALL!!!!  I didn’t know whether to be happy or dumbstruck by this because it seems my body is stuck at a certain weight and refuses to budge…GRRRRR!!!!!  So now with walking 3 miles per day with the pooches (believe me they love it and even though they are small dogs, it doesn’t phase them to walk that far at a brisk pace) I have also added the My Fitness Pal app to my phone and am tracking my food intake, eating the same kinds of foods I have been.  I basically have cut bread, pasta, processed anything and sugar from my diet and I am doing really good with it. Fingers crossed, this time I get results.

The other change I have made is my focus on building my coaching business.  I have quite a bit of work to complete to get my CPC certification but I am making a concerted effort every day to get that checklist of things completed.  I probably won’t be completely done until March, but meanwhile I am updating my website, putting together a workshop and newsletter for all of my potential clients grappling with this journey of infertility.

The last change I have made is that I am working on waking up everyday and having an attitude of gratitude and thinking positive thoughts throughout the day, along with more prayer and reading of Scripture to strengthen my resolve with the two MAJOR unknowns about my life right now…whether I will ever bear a child and where Jon and I are supposed to live and put down roots.  Jon has really been struggling with the latter and I the former, lately.  We are living in limbo right now and I am REALLY having a hard time with it.  I am a planner and doer, so limbo and I do not get along.  THIS is why I pray every day and am working on a daily positive attitude.  It is really hard but I try to take it one day at a time…meanwhile, we are making plans for our trip home in May when my niece is born….well, scratch that…we aren’t making travel plans as much as I am trying to prepare myself for holding a newborn while I am potentially not pregnant.  That should be a test of my energetic resolve and my faith (sigh) but a baby is always a blessing, no matter the circumstance (my personal belief) so I will try to keep it together and enjoy my family welcoming the newest member of the Payne family.

January 13, 2016

Hey everyone…so, it’s been a couple of days since I made an entry and that has been because yesterday was an unexpectedly rough day for me and it spilled over into today…Let me explain.

So I was scheduled to have my blood drawn today to see if the first IUI has worked and we are (or are not) pregnant.  Unfortunately, I started my period yesterday so I didn’t make it to the blood work part today.  I was very upset yesterday and if I had made an entry it probably would have involved many words in all capital letters (yelling) and lots of swear words among sarcastic rhetoric.  Basically all negativity and drama, which I hate, so I just took a day to make myself busy and hope today I would feel better….that didn’t happen because this morning I woke up in a REALLY pissed off mood.  Jon was also in a horrible mood this morning before he went into work, so much so he called me in the middle of his trip today when he had a precious five minutes to apologize to me even though (unlike me) he didn’t in any way take his anger out me.  You see, on top of finding out we are not pregnant, my brother and sister in law found out the gender of their second child they are expecting today AND my brother and his wife posted their pregnancy announcement on Facebook today.  Let me just preface my feelings that Jon and I are happy for both families, we love them very much and appreciate all of their support of us through our struggle.  That being said….WHEN THE HELL IS IT GOING TO BE OUR TURN???? Ok, that is the only all caps statement I will make in this post….it is so hard to be happy for those we love who are getting to experience what we want to experience.  It always feels like somehow we must be less deserving then they are and that is why it has not happened yet, but I know that a feeling is not necessarily a fact….feelings are valid but when we make them fact that is how we get ourselves into trouble, and boy I was in trouble earlier today!

So, I drop Jon off at the airport so he could start his trip and I headed off to see the RE doc today because even though I didn’t need blood drawn (groan), since I was starting a new cycle he wanted to see me so he could check me for cysts on my ovaries….guess what?  I have one and what that means is that I have to take a  month off of the fertility medications because it is not safe for me to take them with a cyst.  The doc believes that the cyst will be gone by my next cycle because, apparently, it is common for cysts to show up on your ovaries after an IUI cycle.  So Jon and I are on our own for a month of ttc.  The good news is that the doc said Jon’s swimmer count tripled between October and when we did the IUI on Dec 30th, so the supplements are working (ConceptionXR Reproductive Health Formula, made by Theralogix, if anyone is curious), so that is a relief.

Here is the most interesting part of my day…when I walked out of the exam room and went to the desk to give my co-pay (I thank God every day for our good health insurance) the doc asked me to come into his office so he could give me the prescription I needed (my thyroid medication) and even though I was feeling completely down and frustrated about having to wait another month for our second IUI (along with everything else I have already mentioned from today), I saw a golden opportunity.

So, as a Life Coach, I have been throwing around an idea (in my head mostly, but with other coaches I know) of creating a coaching group on infertility for women going through the struggles of trying to conceive with infertility.  I believe in coaching and the power of group dynamics, so the need for this kind of service to women going through this is a very passionate issue for me and I want very badly to give back and help others like me.  I have been nervous to present this idea to my doctor to see if he would be willing to refer patients to me and my group if he felt they needed the resource.  Needless to say, I hadn’t even been thinking about it today because my mind was so bogged down with negative energy, but something happened when I sat down at his desk while he wrote out my prescription…a voice inside me said “Hey!  Here’s your opportunity! Open your mouth and say something!!!!” So, I did and the conversation couldn’t have gone any better…when I asked him (after explaining what I do for a living and my idea) if he would be willing to refer patients to me, he said yes right away and I was shocked!!!!!  Holy crap, a practice full of women I can potentially help!!!! I was so excited that everything about my day and my energy shifted in a such a positive way.

So, even though I have a very strong desire to be a mother, I have just as strong of a desire to serve others as a Life Coach, so if I can’t be pregnant right now I can create a place where other women like me can come to find community, support and learn ways to achieve what they want to achieve through their own journey of trying to conceive with infertility.  For today, that was just what I needed to learn and for me, I give full credit to God for teaching me this lesson today.

So tomorrow I will be off to Seattle for about 5 days for Coaching conference and I plan to make at least one entry while I am gone but I know my days will be busy, so I hope everyone has a great rest of the week!

Blessings and Baby Dust,

Sarah

January 11, 2016

Happy Monday everyone!  I hope everyone has had a good day, despite the fact it is MONDAY!!!!!  I am currently watching the NCAA Football Championship game on TV (Alabama vs. Clemson, for those who don’t know) with my husband and even though we really have no preference as to who wins (we are Purdue graduates, so GO BOILERS!) we are just enjoying these kids playing a good football game.  Jon and I love almost all sports and are passionate Chicago sports fans, since we are originally from Northern Indiana, so that is another fact about me 🙂  All teams in Chicago except that baseball team on the south side (the White Sox) we LOVE OUR CUBBIES!!!!!  Oh here is another fact I am proud of…when Jon and I were first dating I introduced him to Chicago Blackhawks hockey (been a fan all of my life) and taught HIM the rules of hockey!  Hahaha!  Only a good guy would let his woman teach HIM about anything sports!!!!

Anyway, I had a productive day today which was my goal because I really don’t want to get stuck in this anxiety of waiting and being busy definitely helps…it doesn’t take it away, but I will focus on the positive here.  I had a really good session with a coaching client today and whenever I help someone else figure out what is keeping them from their goals or blocking them from whatever success it is they are seeking, I feel privileged to be a part of the process.  This is why I love being a Life Coach.  I also love it because I have my own coach who I work with and I have found it so valuable to have that resource through this journey of infertility.  Let me explain….

A professional coach is not a counselor, a mentor or a consultant (all great professions, just different), a coach is someone who partners with you to discover the ways we block ourselves from success and happiness.  A coach knows that the individual has the answers to their questions and the solutions to their problems, but sometimes a person needs someone who can ask the powerful questions that uncover these things for the client that they didn’t even know were there.  It is a powerful process and the best part is that the client is the expert and determines the direction of the relationship and what they want to work on…they own their results, the coach does not which means the client is more likely to maintain any changes to their situation they have made because they own it!  I worked in the counseling field for 12 years before I became a coach and as much as I loved parts of counseling, coaching fits who I am in a more complete way.  As a client who has a coach, I find that it helps me immensely to navigate my way through my emotions and struggles with TTC (trying to concieve) and infertility.  The stress of it is definitely more manageable with having a coach, for me.

One way I manage that stress is that I have been participating a lot more in my TTC support groups on Facebook (which I love being a part of, they have helped a lot) and I feel compelled to do so because I have realized how important this issue is for SO many of us!  I have been through some tough stuff in my life but I see so many women in my groups that have been through things I can’t wrap my brain around let alone being able to manage, such as MULTIPLE miscarriages.  Trying to have a child and losing every single pregnancy you have experienced is a kind of pain I pray I never go through and if I do that God give me the strength to endure without too much sacrifice.

Hats off to all of us on this journey of infertility and trying to have the family we have always wanted!!!

Love and Baby Dust!

Sarah

 

 

 

January 10, 2016

Hey everyone!  Hope you all have had a great Sunday and this post finds you well.  Today, I am feeling pretty good but am tired on top of the other symptoms that have been consistent for about the last week…again, I have no idea if this means that I am in fact, pregnant or if it is just this dang progesterone that is making me feel different.

Anyway, I’m trying not to think about that too much since I still have three days to wait for my blood work and know if when I travel to Seattle on Thursday I will be celebrating with my best friend, Maggie, with something non-alcoholic or if I will be drinking away my disappointment at the bar with her…either way, I will be glad to be in her company if I can’t be with Jon.  Jon will be working and I have my coaching conference starting on Friday morning in Seattle which goes through the weekend.

Today, Jon and I tried out a new church that is really close to our home and really liked it a lot.  We have been looking for a church for a few months now, hoping to find a place where we both feel comfortable and we fit.  You see I am Catholic and have always been very comfortable with being Catholic, however, Jon is not sure he feels that the Catholic faith is for him.  So, we decided it is most important for our marriage and future family that we attend the same church.  We were married in the Catholic Church, so that makes me feel better about the compromise.

Church for me has always been not only a place for community and prayer but for reflection and inspiration that carries me through anything that is tough…..and this week will be tough, especially if this time doesn’t work out.  I do believe in God’s time frame, but I am human and fight it when it is not MY time frame…I continue to work on this and pray about it.  I am already 36 years old and know that I don’t have much time left to have children especially if we want more than one (which we do), so it is hard to not feel like you are under a gun with trying to make a baby and who wants to feel like that???

I really did like this church we went to, and the community there, so I am sad I will be in Seattle next Sunday and won’t be able to attend, but we will be back in two weeks hopefully with a full heart AND a full womb!!!!

I will continue to make entries daily, no matter what happens so please continue to follow along…you never know what life holds day to day!

Blessings and love to all,

Sarah